When intimate relationships begin, every effort is made to get closer to the other; and as it turns out, the sex is great (or so we remember!). Later in relationships, people may find themselves asking, why isn’t sex as exciting as it used to be? The answer may be in our emotional availability.
How is sex related to feelings? It’s no coincidence that ‘sex’ and ‘intimacy’ are often used interchangeably. Being intimate with another involves being exposed, and as close as possible. This is going to provoke powerful feelings, which can be intimidating, and can lead some to self-defend. There are many reasons one might decide to engage in sex with walls up, but in the end, this leaves sex wanting intimacy and closeness. This is where securing a healthy attachment with your sexual partner is essential. In my previous blog I talked about Esther Perel’s notion of maintaining “separateness” to enhance the erotic in long-term relationships. But this requires securing emotional intimacy first. In this blog I want to build on that concept and describe how good sex is related to vulnerability and security in long-term relationships.
Watch this 2 minute video with Sue Johnson, creater of emotion-focused couple therapy, for a brief overview:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W80CYcE_cqQ
Sex is one of the last arenas in which adults play, where we can potentially engage with complete abandon – yet by sealing off emotions, we compromise its potential. I believe when we’re securely attached, we are more likely to take risks and pursue what we want, sexually. We’re more relaxed about where the sex might go, and we can let go of our fears of rejection, shame, and other inhibitions. However, securing attachment often involves emotional vulnerability. For some people (and many men), discomfort with feeling emotionally close with another person is related to how little we practice connecting with our emotions. It’s natural that inadequate practice connecting with emotions can lead to difficulty expressing them. This dynamic can affect the sexual arena, particularly when we withdraw emotions, sexually reject partners, or emotionally separate ourselves during sex.
In her book, “Hold Me Tight,” Sue Johnson talks about “Sealed-off Sex” as a form of sex that is solely about arousal but is cut off from emotion – zero intimacy – where achieving orgasm might be the goal. When there isn’t time for “meaningful sex” (i.e., emotionally connected “love-making”), a pleasure performance might suffice. But Sealed-off sex isn’t the same as playful, quick & dirty, or naughty sex; even this sex can be fulfilling within an emotionally engaged relationship. Emotionless sex can make one or both partners feel used or objectified when not had within the safety of a secure attachment. On the other hand, Johnson talks about “Solace Sex”, where sex is fuelled by fear and attachment anxiety. The act is a replacement for cuddling, when the reassurance of touch is the goal. While both “Solace” and “Sealed-off” forms of sex serve a purpose, neither will satisfy the complicated needs we have as relational and sexual animals.
Security in our relationships ensures that sexual exploration and erotic love is possible. Johnson refers to the sex that results from a secure attachment as “Synchrony Sex”: “when emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch and erotic exploration all come together” (p. 193). Attuning to another, physically and emotionally, requires deep engagement with them, as well as a comfort level with one’s self. Engaging fully and deeply with your partner can infuse excitement into sex.
But how do we do Emotional Engagement? This is something we practice, generally, outside the sexual arena. It’s demonstrating to one’s partner, “I am available to you, I can handle your emotions, and I can both initiate and reciprocate vulnerability.” If we want to take sex to the next level, we need to practice emotional engagement, sexually. This doesn’t have to be during sex, necessarily, though it will help. Talking about fantasies, interests, turn-ons/offs, spending more time interacting with touch (e.g., cuddling, spooning, petting, foreplay), looking into each other’s eyes… are all different ways we can heighten emotional engagement.
In this way, the sexual passion we held at the beginning of our relationship can evolve into deepening our bond. As Johnson puts it, “Emotional connection creates great sex, and great sex creates deeper emotional connection” (p. 186). Increasing emotional engagement and attachment security can then lead to greater sexual experimentation, and feeling safe to go where you haven’t gone yet, together.
Recommended reading:
Three kinds of sex: http://www.drsuejohnson.com/attachment-sex/three-kinds-sex/
Photo Credit: Alan Rampton, https://www.flickr.com/photos/alanramptonphotography/
